jabber__wocky's Xanga

i will be with her tonight, yeah.

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 16:32:10 GMT

Today my IRB (internal review board) proposal came back with "approved" written on it in red ink. It is time to gather my betta population. I've been trying to work up some excitment for working on my project. I feel so bad though because i never go talk with the bio prof that is helping me out. I've been neglecting everything, ah well.

How do i always wind up with assholes? It goes in cycles asshole, crazy, asshole concerning men with me. In happier times i would laugh when i said that, but not so much now. The pattern has definitely proven true once more. crazy or asshole? I don't know which is worse, assholes i guess. They know they hurt you and they don't care. Crazy people at least don't intentionally hurt you.

Today, i'm braving the 9th ring of hell- also known as the DMV. I already failed my driver's test once. Why? because i couldn't find the high beams in my friend's car! ha! yeah... i can conduct a scientific experiment, but i don't know how to turn on the high beams in a car. It was only because i had never driven/seen the car in my life and the other cars i had been driving for the past month were different. I'm so close though, i can almost taste a car... maybe i'll pass the test today. It all hinges on the ten minutes of practicing parallel parking in the dark i had a few nights ago.

dehydrated strawberries are delicious.

I miss my sister and nephews. Little kids are pretty fun. You can grab them by the wrists and whirl around really fast and when you put them down they stumble around and totally love it.

Having a cell phone is pretty sweet. I enjoy it.

Maybe i should start snorting my beta blockers. Then, for the driving test i'd be completely imperturable. beta blockers, ha. i so want to do experiments with those later on. Maybe i could replicate the rat and the pool one... and they try to say that bb's don't have that great an impact on memory. ha. i've seen those poor rats just swim around in confused circles.

all for now....
i find typing to be really relaxing... sometimes it is difficult to stop.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 17:25:19 GMT

so my senior thesis project is going to happen!
i'm excited. Soon, i'll start looking into buying my "participants" (a sample size of at least twenty).

i'm thinking of altering the experiment though. Maybe focusing more on the social aspects. As it turns out, it's rather hard to induce hypoxia in fish.... there was a bunch of chemistry shit involved. I still don't understand chemistry too well... i need a chem book that is very simple... don't know if they make those though.

sleepy...
one more class today (principles of biology) and then the sugag meeting... followed by a nap most likely.

if science were a pie, i would eat it.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Fri, 02 Dec 2005 20:19:13 GMT

Just finished compiling my responses for French.

My cinnamon bun is being held captive in Andrew’s room. He needs to return so that I can pay the ransom for it and reintroduce it to its natural habit- my belly.

Also, from Dan the movies Alien and Aliens is temporarily in my custody. Chet’s loss is my gain. Woot.

Sent my parents a postcard. Hopefully, they will find it mildly amusing.

I want to write.

I reread my story from last years sans merci. It really wasn’t all that bad. Maybe I am an okay writer.

Missing Jung.

Book buy back is soon. I have a few wares to peddle.

I wonder what kind of schemes I’m going to have to pull this year. Every year I have to cover their optical receptors with a cotton/polyester blend of some kind. Usually, I am victorious. One must only be persistent.

Pilates in a cold basement over the break? Oui.

In general I fear that the people of this culture do not properly appreciate or value life. This dismays me. We create and promote weapons that render other beings lifeless in the span of a split second. There should always be a fighting chance.

Also, I enjoy how we all are products of those around us. For instance, we assimilate slang terms from those we associate with on a regular basis. Immersion, if you will.

If you think you could defeat a polygraph test you’re incorrect. I met one yesterday. It will steal your heart and devour your first born child before you notice a change in the amount of sweat you’re secreting from your fingertips.

Another thing that is humorous: the level of information people absorb from movies and apply to life because they think it may be applicable. For instance, beating a polygraph test. Humans are so gullible. It is a dangerous line between reality and fantasy. I think a lot of people in this society aren’t living in reality. They are living in deluded material possession induced fantasy states. All living things can create other life. And yet people in this culture consistently put a creator “outside”? And yes, grammatically, question marks can be placed outside of quotation marks. Exclamation marks can sit on the front porch as well. How powerful a notion that is? All the cells in my body are reproducing like crazy (except of course (most of) my neurons, which are incidentally enough the most important cells), making new cells (which in most cases are identical) that make new cells that consume energy and make more new cells! It’s all the same thing, just on smaller or larger levels. That’s just really fucking cool.

Full metal is going to be on in ten minutes. I probably won’t get to watch it. Sadness. At least my cells will keep reproducing. I can always count on that as long as my bum ticker doesn’t procrastinate too much.

Maybe my consciousness is a parasite to my body.

Or my body is a parasite to the emissions of my brain.

I take in fuel (food, oxygen, water, vitamins, etc) to continue the processes triggered by a sequence of cellular events spawned from my parents’ original energy.

It is no wonder that some people think we possess souls. It is quite easy to separate the body from the conscious. Really though, all those thoughts and feelings you have are just a byproduct of neurons firing off action potentials and creating synapses in your brain. Bummer. Maybe our intellect is the fecal matter of our neurons.

I think I like that thought.

The very notion of a soul is a physical impossibility.

Given, I’ve just barely scratched the surface of this body of knowledge, but I do feel that having completed a degree in psychology does give me one up on most people. Though, I must admit that many of my fellow psychology majors are idiots (their neurons are asleep on the job). Damn, I am a judgmental bitch. That’s an INTJ for you. It’s what the J is all about. Really though, on the rare occasion that I engage in conversation with another psych major, I am bewildered by the amount of misinformation they have regarding the processes of the mind and life in general. I mean, damn you take bio 101, 102 and all the shit you’ve learned in psych classes and it’s right there. I know I can’t do math, but really you add it all up and there is the answer, looking you in the face. What, did they graduate from the blind school too, or what?

A soul. What is this “soul” anyway?

Maybe I don’t give humanity enough credit.

Why am I so bitter toward humans in general? How can one be against the progress and continuation of one’s own species? I’m the psych major, I guess I should answer that, but I have no clue. I’m not that kind of psych major. Is it so wrong to believe though, that no one thing has anymore or less of a right to be here than anything else? And if this is the case, what gives us the right to decide what other beings continue life and which do not? Beyond our own bodies (because to some extent we do control the internal workings of our bodies on a cellular level) how is it that we feel we can extend the gamut of our control?

What makes human DNA superior to that of aplysia californica?

I am hungry. Andrew needs to return so that I can consume the cinnamon bun.

Damn, I really wanted one of those gingerbread cookies from the dining hall tonight. They looked so good.

Fan-fuckin’-tastic.

Today, I did a count. This semester I have written approximately thirty papers. All of varying lengths. The longest being twenty pages and the shortest being two. Thirty papers. Is that average? How many have all of you had to write? Thirty seems a bit much to me somehow. It’s no wonder I’ve been driven half insane by this institution of higher learning. Yesterday I wrote a three pager and the day before that I had to write another three pager and the week before that was the twenty pager, and the week before that… it just goes on and on.

I am ready to move on.

And that isn’t even to consider the amount of money I will save on ink and printer paper.

If I’m going to be writing hundreds of pages of text I want it to be something meaningful.

Today, I slept through art class instead of personality. Like to play it up, you know. I didn’t even try to hide it. I just put my head down on the desk and wrote random words when I would wake up for a few seconds. I took the following notes:

Color is import. Influences of other cultures. Japanese prints wood blocks gaugain

Van gogh- their own view kont

Use of color, subject ima

And the best part is some word that starts with a large F and then continues on for about an inch and a half. No idea what that was supposed to be.

I’d probably take better notes if I were drunk.

Matter of fact, I think I’ll try that next semester. I’d say tomorrow, but I have the first half of my French exam so I better leave the clear and boones away.

Okay I’m going to do the psycho gf thing and call Andrew cause I’m really starving now.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 21:10:48 GMT

Though I don’t have much to say, I thought I might do an entry anyway.

Lately I’ve felt rather confused about things….

I feel like I’ve been making bad choices- like engaging in drinking and neglecting my school work- and I need to get out of that.

For example, today I had my French mid term. Did I study last night? Nope, instead I hung out with people until 2:30 in the morning.

I think still did okay on my exam, but still, I could have and should have been more prepared.

Also, there is the matter of romantic pursuits. Part of me wants to pursue things, meet people, maybe go out on dates, but another part just says fuck all that because I have a ton of work to do. Next semester is only going to be worse because I’m going to be living in the animal lab in the science building. Given, I’m really excited about it, but still. I’m not entirely sure that I’m willing to sacrifice my social life (completely) for academic quests. In my family, I know that I am expected to be the career driven bitch. Though I’ve come close to surrendering to that, I’m not entirely sure that it’s the right thing for me.

Eddie and I argued about writing on Saturday. He said that my writing lacks emotion and I told him that his writing is a completely unoriginal D&D rip off. Of course I still stand by my position that there are no original ideas. Why, you might ask? Well, because I am 100% sure that Jung was smarter than probably anyone in this nation right now and if he was right about the collective conscious this means that humans are not capable of coming up with truly original ideas. Everything we do is going to relate back to one archetype or another. No, this isn’t something that Dr. Tucker talked about, but perhaps I’ll mention it to him. Matter of fact, I think this is a pretty interesting concept I’ve come up with so I think I’ll do a lit search (as I’m positive I’m not the first person to have thought of this) and bring it up next time I see Tucker. Maybe he’d even let me write a special paper on this instead of the topics for assignment 2. Perhaps I could incorporate some research on whether or not feral children still express archetypes. Also, how much of the collective unconscious has a biological basis? SHIT DAMN!!!! I fucking love this shit. I would like to talk with Tucker about these things, but he’s so unapproachable. I mean, the man is intimidating. He’s done guest lectures at top notch schools- Harvard, Cambridge, Oxford, and so on. Obviously, his credentials were well earned. Who am I- Emily Evans, slightly above average shepherd college student- to approach him with ideas?

I need to start keeping a notebook of research ideas. I’ve come up with two so far this semester that I would like to pursue in greater depth. Maybe I’ll just combine it with my story/writing notebook. It’s all the same thing, right?

Jung has begun to exhibit some interesting behaviors in his new tank. Already he has learned where the food comes from in the morning and he frequently perches himself atop the dormant aeration tube.

Also, beyond my mid terms tomorrow I signed up to take this test of psychological knowledge. It will be good practice for the GRE I believe. Also, I need some brownie points with Dr. D. I’m asking a lot of him, Dr. C, and the science department.

My writing needs some serious work. Maybe I’ll get into odyssey this summer. Speaking of which, I should start working on the manuscript now so that I can make it fucking amazing.

Ho hum. Lots of things to do.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 01:43:35 GMT

Today has been wonderful!!!

I mean, busy day seeing as that it’s Wednesday and all, but still completely splendid.

Why so great you may ask?

Well, firstly (after class) I went and talked with Dr. Conley (for three hours!) about my senior thesis project. She’s willing to help me so that I can work with betta fish!! Yay!!

Then, when things couldn’t get any better she started looking up different articles for ideas and we came up with something really cool. I’ll write more on that later when I’m slightly more cognizant.

So, all I have to do now is take two more science classes (principles of bio and then the 425 internship thing) so that the science department will help me out. I might even be able to get funding through the psych department for my experiment.

Also, yesterday I got this really neat idea for future research. I feel so fulfilled right now. This is wonderful.

Midterms are still coming though and that is lame.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 18:09:03 GMT

Personality class bewilders me. I do not currently have the mental capacity to fathom the depths of everything going on. Some of it is “common sense,” but that is just an underlying impression. It would be much better if they offered entire courses on the post Freudians. Then I would understand. I guess that is what grad school is for.

Wishful thinking.

SUGAG meeting was successful. On the final count thirty some people showed up to our first meeting. Barring the frats and sororities that probably makes us one of the largest organizations on campus. Gamers unite!

Reading this dean koontz book right now. It’s pretty lame. I’m getting through it like a coke addict through a line of slime.

I think Jung may have ick, but I’m not sure. I’ve never encountered ick and how would it have gotten into his home in the first place?

My 8 a.m. class was canceled today. That would have been helpful info at six forty this morning. I came back and tried to take a nap, but I wasn’t able to fall asleep and then around nine Thacher conducted a fire drill. When I heard the alarms going off I just grumbled and rolled over in bed, trying to get back to sleep. I mean, if you don’t hear real sirens, that just means it’s a drill right? A drill is no reason to uproot yourself when you are comfortable. Eventually I did get up (because the sound became annoying) and got ready for class. Took my contacts to the cac and left through the back door to avoid the RA’s standing around in the crowd out front.

Today I felt skinny. Positive feelings. Yay.

I’m excited about going to the eye doctor in September. New contacts… my eyes can taste them now… I’ll be able to see clearly instead of through a haze of protein build up. Goodness gracious.

Almost finished with my paper detailing the consequences of an unresolved Oedpial complex. I will post it on here for your perusal.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Wed, 17 Aug 2005 15:48:51 GMT

Been vegan in the dining hall so far this week. I did have some funyuns a few days ago while working hall security, but I was desperate and there was nothing else!

All of my classes seem like they’re going to be pretty great. I’m not dreading French too much, helps having a good friend in there. :p Experimental psych is pretty neat. It definitely appeals to my science geek side. It occurred to me today just how much I love science. When Daily started talking about it I got that excited feeling in my abdomen and I could practically feel the anticipation coursing through my veins. Ohhh science. I really do think I could be quite happy being a researcher somewhere. Survey of western art seems kind of eh… but I know several people in there, so we’ll help each other through. Clinical counseling is going to be an easy A, even if it is at eight a.m. I’m definitely psyched about psych of personality. Tucker started discussing charkas yesterday and Jungian psychology. It was almost more than I can take. The whole time I was smiling to myself, you know that stupid grin you get when you are in mindless bliss, and sometimes shaking cause I’d get so excited. Yeah. My dorkiness has as many levels as there are rings in an old tree.

It was also really cool that the woman sitting next to me was wearing one of the hemp necklaces I gave to lwa for the tsunami relief market last semester. That was really cool- the thought that someone enjoys something that I made.

Tomorrow I get to go buy my books. That excites me as well. I really can’t wait to start reading about some of this stuff. Emailed my advisor about grad school, gonna go see him probably tomorrow.

You know what is really odd? Jungian psychology is very removed from the scientific perspective of psychology and yet I love it so much.

Anyway… tis all for now. I seem bi polar in my lj sometimes. This has occurred to me more than once. Oh well.

oh, and i forgot to mention too that last night i modeled for an advanced drawing class and i knew a bunch of the people in there.. that made it kind of weird, since one of them is someone i've always had a bit of a crush on... ah well, one of the risks in my line of work i guess. It was still fun!

Monday, August 15, 2005

Mon, 15 Aug 2005 15:17:20 GMT

Yes, it has been awhile.

I’ll try to keep this concise.

Break:

Wedding (there was an open bar, so it wasn’t so bad) stuff for the first three days or so of my break.

Baltimore with Cindy- rockin’ good time. Relaxed, had some good meals, chilled with a good friend.

Hung out with various people, good times all around.

Copious amounts of laundry.

Classes started today. I had French (learning French in a REALLY hot room) with a very nice professor. Still it’s a foreign language so I naturally dislike it. Not to mention the fact that the book for that class is $113. WTF?

You know there has to be a rant, I’m sorry, this entry is no different. It just seems that my free time with which to write updates and bad things just seem to correlate.

My parents think I’m an ungrateful little twit because I can’t appreciate being a burden to everybody. My mom is continually threatening to cut me off financially, but yet when I try to take out a loan she gets pissed off at me and tells me that I’m offending her? WTF? What do they want me to do?! I already work two jobs (signed up for seven hall security shifts- my weekends are now gone) what more can I do without severely compromising my grades?

Rehab isn’t giving me money even for books anymore. Today is going to be spent calling Steve and trying to work those things out so that I don’t have to call my parents asking for money when my sister just called and asked for several hundred dollars. UGH!

What the hell… money of all things.

I think my mom hates me. Or at least certainly resents me…. I tried to take out a loan, I’m willing to take out loans if it would please her. You cannot please that woman. She wants to keep me dependent upon them and yet she does not want the responsibility (like taking me to the doctors) that that entails. I still haven’t been back to the dentist and I can barely see out of my contacts and I know it’s bitching and moaning and that I need to do things for myself, but I don’t think I could walk to Winchester and make it back in time for my classes at eight a.m. tomorrow. If I could I’d just wear my glasses around, but I can’t see out of them anymore, not even out of the one eye that still has a lens in it.

I’m kind of excited about experimental psych. It seems like it is going to be a good class- hard as all hell- but really interesting. I think I want to do a project with betta fish behavior (maybe for my senior thesis).

While in baltimore I had the pleasure of spotting a woman riding one of those things with two wheels that manages to stay upright. What are those called? Gyro something or other? Anyway, she was speeding along on the sidewalk on that thing and I’ve never seen someone look so determined. She was going to get somewhere damnit and she was going to get there on two wheels. I don’t think throwing a baby in front of her would have stopped her… which reminds me…

WHAT THE FUCK is up with all these fucking pro-life posters hanging all over my dorm???!!!! I’m so putting graffiti all over those things late at night sometime this week. Why did the college approve those things?? Shit like having a picture of a baby’s face and saying “this is the not the face of the enemy.” Since when did a zygote have the face of an infant? This nation is going down hill FAST. I’m going to start looking for grad schools in Canada. I don’t know if I can take all of this conservatism for much longer. I know it is a sign of the times- IE people becoming increasingly more stupid- but that doesn’t mean I have to stick around to watch us self destruct. Yeah, let’s save the zygotes here in America, but fuck all those kids killed by our carpet bombing in Iraq.

My own sister is trying to promote these pro-life values. “It’s heart is beating at six weeks…” I responded by saying that hearts are expendable. They can be removed, transplanted, stopped, started, hell, even replaced with pig hearts.

End of rant.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Wed, 27 Jul 2005 23:51:54 GMT

The National Women’s Martial Arts Association arrives at Shepherd University. With such harbingers as neon pink (sexist connotations) poster board placards all over campus and a vigorous descent upon Thacher Hall, they invade campus with nunchakus flailing, roundhouse kicks, jabs, and a battle cry of femininity.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Mon, 18 Jul 2005 15:46:48 GMT

Even when i have the answers: